Life is not all about colored roses…..

Surgery is not going to fix all your problems and if you think that’s the case STOP NOW…….

I knew that from the beginning but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have hopes that all my problems would magically disappear. Especially when I felt that it stemmed from my looks of how overweight I was.

You know what (excuse the language) BRAIN FUCKED means??? Well that’s what I am now. Brain fucked..

Brain fucked- .. that general feeling of stupidity. the point at which your brain is processing so much information that you feel so tired so much so as if your brain is being fucked/raped by information. the point of which something is too hard to comprehend, To over-think or over-analyze something (which is usually quite simple).

All these are definitions from Urban dictionary… I feel all of the above.

I’ve lost 73 pds and I’m still not happy… I am getting much more attention now and yet I can’t find a meaningful relationship.

I’ve started drinking… I’m drinking during the week not just the weekend. Not everyday but at least 3 days out of the week I’m drinking a whole bottle of wine. Something I feared would happen to me after surgery.

I’ve slept with my ex again (yes the one in the previous post about breaking my heart but he is also the one who paid to fix my car) not once but twice and in my mind came to an agreement that we’d be FWB (at my discretion).

Met a guy at a club and made out with him without even knowing him!

Yes this sounds very hoeish and I don’t care if you think I am. I’ve never been this way …. that said… I’m putting my personal life out there for those of you who do read this to know that not all is awesome!

Yes, things are well in the WLS department… I’m thankful I’ve had no complications and I can pretty much eat lots of things.

But this post is not about that, it’s about being brain fucked. All has fallen on me, school,work, family problems,money issues,car problems, men problems and image issues.

Yes the image issues… I look in the mirror and see the SAME FAT GIRL… same 242 pd fat girl. It’s all in the mind, so if you are thinking about getting the surgery think twice about running to get right away. Take your time and see a therapist, talk to them and work through your problems because if you don’t, they are just going to get worse!

Do I regret the surgery? No! but I do know that I need to get out of this funk I’m in (and I’m working on it) and get back on track…. remember after surgery your hormones are going C-R-A-Z-Y (I HAVE PCOS) so one second I’m fine and the next I’m not.

Please know that if you’ve had the surgery and are going through this, you ARE NOT ALONE…. and if you haven’t had the surgery don’t be in such a hurry to get it and then think that you’ll worry about your addictions or problems later… no no no no.. don’t do it, do it NOW!

AGAIN, life is not all about colored roses, better said in spanish la vida no es color de rosas…..

Till next time kiddies!

:-*

Life is tricky…

SO here I thought things were looking on the up and up. I met a guy who I was starting to like and it felt more than just a passing by relationship. I only wanted a friendship and he opened my heart to more than that.

Fast forward to this past Friday. My car breaks down and I have to have it towed, the guy I was seeing says he will buy the parts for me and fix it for me on Saturday morning. Come Saturday he disappears and I don’t hear from  him… Sunday I don’t hear from him (except that he was fishing on saturday and that he would call me later) Well he didn’t…. Seriously… wth?????????????!!

Then my sister comes by my house (my 18 yr old sister) who works a part time job, no college, car and lives at home, tells me she’s pregnant (by accident) by her loser of a boyfriend who is 19 works part time at taco bell and smokes weed all day. She asks me to help her, now I need to help her break the news to my mom and most probably have her move in with me because when my mom hears of this she’s going to kick her out.

I don’t have the time or the funds to take this on but I will not leave her alone. I’m broke, I have a broken car and a broken heart. I’m just broke……… I really don’t know where I’m going from here.

I had a conversation with God yesterday.,.. I cried.. and I said.. God I’ve always believed in you and trusted in you that your promises will come true but I’m starting to believe they aren’t. I’m starting to lose all faith that there in fact is a better future in store for me with that man that God has planned for me.

I hate when people tell me to be patient…. I’ve been patient. I might only be 30 but I’ve been through hell and back. Married for 10 yrs and cheated on throughout the 10 years of marriage. Not to mention not being able to get pregnant at all. In addition to that how easy it was for him to move on with his life, have 2 kids and get married to the woman he cheated and left me for. Yet me as a good person here I am struggling to find a good man. Don’t get me wrong and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tell me “stop looking for men let them come to you, love yourself blah blah blah.” You don’t know my struggle, you don’t know what I do so don’t assume I’m looking. I’m not looking… I’ve made friends then this guy comes along (the one earlier in this story) and makes me tear down my damn wall and then he hurts me!!!!!

Yes Life is tricky… one moment you are on top of the world and the next moment you are the bottom of a pit trying to pull yourself out.. seriously… I can’t handle it all. I’m not that strong..

Ugh…

Now to my weight loss…. I’ve lost a total of 71 pds (HW 242, CW 171) ……

Complications? None

I’ve had some pain and gas from some certain foods I eat.. Like bread and Mango… they are on my NO NO list.

Loose skin? Arms.. ugh.. my stomach is coming along ok..

Exercising? Yes I’m doing a min of 6-12 miles 4 days a week and the other 3 a minimum of 3 miles.

Here are some photos.

20130730_135215-kdcollage 20130730_141726-kdcollage 2013-08-09 16.33.06

Hasta Luego! video update coming soon…

Update 14 wks

http://thenewcary.wordpress.com/pictures/

My most recent photographs at 179 pds.

As of today I’m officially down 63 pds!! woot woot

HW 242 CW 179 GW 117

Some days everything is great and others are not. Even with all this going on I don’t regret my decision at all. I’m so happy and feel great.

See video update.

Surgery is NOT the easy way out..

Read this on another friend’s blog and decided to share.

 

Surgery Is NOT The Easy Way Out!

by Matt Metz, MD, FACS

I was at a social function earlier this week and a woman asked me what I do for a living.

“I’m a bariatric surgeon,” I replied.

To which she said, “What do you think about that?  You know, people just taking the easy way out and having surgery for their weight.”

Whenever I tell people what I do for a living, the issues of self-control, discipline, and exercise come up.  I have people judge me as an enabler, and judge all of my patients as weak-willed.  Sometimes, it can be so frustrating that I don’t want to disclose any information about my career.  Then I think about my patients. My patients are hard-working, caring, sensitive, intelligent individuals that are battling a disease.

Should I ask people at parties to tell me from what diseases their grandparents or parents died?

“Your mother had lung cancer?  She shouldn’t have worked in that factory.  Your father had a heart attack?  He should have checked his cholesterol.  Your sister died of breast cancer? She should have gotten screened earlier. “

People that label bariatric surgery as the easy way out just don’t understand the disease process.   My patients have each tried dozens of diets. They have lost hundreds of pounds through aggressive medical weight loss programs, only to gain all the weight back and then some.  It’s not just a simple issue of discipline and a diet.  Obesity is a disease, just like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and stroke.  Those diseases don’t go away with discipline and diet either!  Our own American Medical Association officially declared obesity as a disease earlier this year.

Obesity has genetic components, well documented in the medical literature.  There are socio-economic factors involved.  Many of our patients have an abuse history, and sub-consciously shroud themselves from unwanted physical attention through their weight; hence, obesity has a psychological component.  There are numerous metabolic issues at play, such as diabetes, hypo-thyroid issues, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, and leptin insensitivity.

Now consider the thought process involved in undergoing surgery.  Patients need to admit to themselves and their families that they have a disease that is so profound that they need to see a doctor to treat it.  Then they have to see a mental health provider, to evaluate them for untreated mental illness and coping skills.  Next they have to see a dietitian, and may need to undergo 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, depending on their insurance.  Then they have to have a major surgical procedure.  Granted, it’s typically performed laparoscopically, but they still need to undergo general anesthesia, and have someone operate on them in order to help fight this disease.  They may incur significant expense, loss of time from work, and/or time away from school.  Finally, they have to take vitamins for the rest of their lives, and they have to follow up with a mean surgeon (me) forever!

Does that sound like the easy way out?  How do I explain to a woman at a party that, without surgical intervention, only 30% of my patients would live to see their 65th birthday?  How do I explain the humiliation involved in asking for a seat belt extender on an airplane?  To not be able to go to a movie, or an amusement park.  To have to have a family member do your toilet care because you simply cannot reach?  To not be able to run after your child when he or she is in danger? To have people judge you as lazy and slovenly before even shaking your hand?  To be discriminated against when applying for a job, just because of the way you look?

Obese people are the last population that folks think of as socially acceptable to ridicule.  Yet, over 30% of Americans are considered overweight.  While I’m thrilled that the AMA has declared obesity a disease, how long until the rest of society recognizes that ruling and stops discriminating?

To my patients:  I will continue to fight on your behalf. Your bravery, your willingness to take control of your health care, and your dedication to a constant battle makes me proud to be your doctor.  Keep up your efforts, and let’s work together!

Update…

I’m SO tired… I haven’t posted in a while… So here are some updates.

week 11

I’m at 184 pds! WOOT WOOO! Down from highest of 242.

I’m in a size 10 from a tight size 18!!

The attention I’ve been getting is off the charts… for the first time in my life I don’t feel that I have to settle for less than what I deserve. The sad part is that I feel bad for some guys that are genuinely nice guys but I’m just not attracted to them in that way, that I keep meeting everyday.. my conscience aches because I don’t want to hurt anyone. (more in video)

I’m going to school so it’s taking up a lot of my time and I haven’t had time to post.

Issues??

None.. except my anxiety is through the roof.

new pictures updated..

http://thenewcary.wordpress.com/pictures/

Latest video update

All my pages have been updated.

ps. I finally got my monthly cycle… OUCH… it’s been 5 days of hell.. hoping it goes away soon.

Till next time guys! xoxo

Where am I going?

What am I really doing with my life?

I thought I had it all figured out and recently I’ve realized I don’t. That’s so weird. What I thought I wanted I don’t and what I didn’t I do.

Life’s taken such a weird and sarcastic turn. It’s like it’s laughing at me and mocking me. Everything that can go wrong has started to go. Car breaking down, money trouble, life struggles all happening back to back.

A year ago I knew exactly where I was going, what I was doing and when I was getting there.
I’ve always been a person to calculate everything I do. I over think everything and I plan everything.

What the heck has happened? I feel so lost. Where is my purpose?

Who am I? What is it I really want?

Here’s a secret… when I was 17 I decided I wanted to go to the Navy, I hated my life and thought it was the best thing for me at the time. I’ve always been strangely attracted to the military and to men from the military. I always wanted to work for the government and know more about this country . I took the aptitude test they require and passed with flying colors (women need a higher score to get in) all was ready for me to leave as soon as I graduated all I needed was to pass the physical test and I failed. I was TOO fat to go. There my dreams of joining the Navy shattered. I decided to just suck it up and try to lose some weight…. Well did I? Um.. I had WLS didn’t I?

So yea, now that I’m losing weight my goals, ideas and wants are changing. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be the same person anymore. I’m bored of my life and feel that now that I CAN live it that I SHOULD live it. So I thought hey what the heck, let me look back into going into the military (air force) as I’m losing the weight now and I can qualify……

NO NO NO… 1. I’m past the age I’m 30… and 2. The real big one I had WLS.. they don’t accept anyone not even in the reserves with WLS… So jobs I had previously applied to I can’t qualify because they require you to be in the reserves.

Sigh.. where is my life going? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost.. I feel that I have a bigger and greater purpose but don’t know what it is. I feel like it’s not in Miami.

I’m not sure what to do anymore….. I’m so confused. I just want to live my life. My best friend suggested i write down all these ideas and thoughts I have and what I want to do.  I think that sounds like a fantastic idea. So here goes…they may sound REAL stupid but to me they are little bits and pieces of what I want and not in any specific order.

1. Federal Agent/or work at CIA

2. journalist/ on camera personality

3. Meteorologist

4. International Public relations

5. Higher education advancement

6. travel EVERYWHERE

7. go back to helping the community

8. get married

9. have kids

10. move away

11. fall in love

12.buy a house

13. be an actress

14. show off my new body (this is the worst of all)

15. start fresh somewhere new where nobody knows me

I like that last one the most. It’s the most accurate and scariest about how I feel right now….

Sigh… one step at a time Cary.. one step at a time. I want to have a purpose again, I knew clearly where I wanted to be before y not now? I guess Cary has gotten lost in those 48 pds she lost. I need to find her, I need to find me again. Find out who I am, what I want. Maybe I should take this opportunity where I’m so lost and start new… start fresh and figure it all out again. See I’m not that Fat Cary anymore, I’m not that fat little girl who had one dream because she was so afraid her weight would stop her from accomplishing any other dreams. I’m a new Cary, a refreshed, confident one who needs to find her purpose in life….

Let’s begin………

Weigh in day……………………

This is how I feel lately…. Ok last post I had come to terms with the scale and that may have been because I finally broke 200 after 13 years so here comes the BUT… BUT this week I only lost one pound putting me at 198… Only losing 1 pd a week? Really? I re-arranged my guts for a pound a week??? Then I’ve heard that once you get to the 3 mon mark weight loss is going to slow down? WTH????????????

SO again, this is NOT easy.. Yes I’m eating enough, exercising and drinking water. Now I know for sure I’m not drinking enough water but it’s hard.

 

UPDATE UPDATE.. I never got around to finishing this blog. I’m down to 194 today at dr.s appt. I’ve lost a total of 38% of my excess body weight! WOOOOOOO WOOOO.. of course the 48 pds are included in my pre surgery.. those came off with sweat and tears too.

 

I’ve updated my photos so there are new pics of what I currently look like. People tell me I look nothing like me lol.. OK whatever that means See the link below and some random one’s i found are attached to this post too.

http://thenewcary.wordpress.com/pictures/

I also have a video from last week about throwing up issues

Here is a video about my PCOS

 

BEFORE. 242

BEFORE. 242

 

after 219

after 219

fULL BODY BEFORE 242
fULL BODY BEFORE 242

199 post op
199 post op

 

 

Weighing in on a few things…….

and what a great weigh in it is…. I think I’m coming to terms with my scale.

I’ve managed to weigh myself once a week (except this last week because I was dying to see what the scale said) but I’m not longer afraid of what the number will say.

I am glad to say I am officially in ONDERLAND!!  I weighed in this morning at 199.0 … oh what a great day.

Let’s start by saying that I asked myself a few questions today.

1. Was the surgery worth it?

2. If it was, WHY?

So let’s start by addressing the recent issues. I’ve started to throw up….. I’ve been under a large amount of stress lately where my job can be in jeopardy (or it seems so in my world) because of office politics, that I started throwing up Friday, threw up Saturday and had diarrhea and then yesterday had a piece of chicken get stuck and threw up all afternoon.

Yes I did call my doctor and he said that as long as I was getting in liquids and able to keep them down that I didn’t have to go into the hospital (since it had only been recently). That is seems the pouch was irritated to go on liquids for the next couple of days to let it relax and then go back to solid foods after that, that if that didn’t work then I needed to go in.

What did I throw up? Water and foamies, no real food except that piece of chicken that I guess my fat ass forgot to chew and it came up WHOLE.

I was frustrated Sunday because none of my clothes fit me anymore I was a tight 18 and now I’ve gone down to a size 14 (breezed through the 16′s) so I threw up that morning from the stress of finding clothes.

I’m still feeling nauseous at times.

I have not thrown up today and I’ve been on liquids. I think it’s the whole stress of the situation that is going on at work that is upsetting things. I’m still only 6 weeks out.

Now onto answering the questions…

Again, here is the question

1. Was the surgery worth it?

Yes

2. If it was, WHY?

I’m only 6 weeks out and feel ALIVE… Feel more alive now than ever. I’m under 200 pds for the first in over 13 yrs. A size 14 that I haven’t been in over 13 years, I can run half a mile without stopping. I can breathe better. I can walk faster, I can walk up stairs without losing my breath and all this is only in 6 weeks!!! It’s the best I’ve felt in a LONG TIME… PCOS is hell (LITERALLY) and the fact that a lot has changed (which will be in my next video that I’ll post on youtube, follow me on the right hand side tab under youtube) I no longer feel hot all the time. I mean there are so many benefits that has only been 6 weeks out.

yes nobody likes throwing up, nobody likes counting food, calories, protein. Exercising etc. Is it for purely materialistic reasons? Yes and no, yes I want to look GREAT, not good, GREAT.. but that’s not the ONLY reason. I want to FEEL great too. What’s the point of looking amazing but feeling like crap? No, I want to be healthy and look healthy and I will say I feel good, working towards GREAT.

I made the decision of going under the knife knowing perfectly what could be, I laid down on that table and said this is for my health and for my future children that I WILL have (haven’t been able to thus far but it WILL happen, I’m believing for more!) … so I have to take the bad with the good can’t expect everything to be perfect. Nothing with altering your NATURAL body is perfect.

Surgery is definitely not for everyone but it was something I needed to do for ME… I needed to be ALIVE because I was dead.

Destructive Behavior….

Thought it wouldn’t happen to me but it has. I went on destructive behavior today. This is going to be a LONG ONE..

Let’s start from the beginning….

Today was my sister’s 15′s picture’s. I was the “mom” as I always am with my sisters. I took the day off from work, drove her to the hair salon, did her makeup took her to the studio and walked her every second of the day. I’ve done this with my other sister and my cousin before.

I keep forgetting I’m still only 5 weeks post op but still push myself to the max.

So back to today, we took her photos and then I rushed home to change to go to school. School started today so I was super stressed.Barely had anything with much consistency, or protein today.

The food for today was as such

B- 1 oz oatmeal

S-1 oz wendy’s chili

L-1 oz wendy’s chili

S-pollo tropical children’s menu dark meat chicken, black beans, tomatoes, onions with garlic cilantro and salsa

(do you see where this is going?)

D-I small piece (because it got stuck) of whole wheat pita bread with peanut butter….

NO PROTEIN SHAKE (YET)

Ok let’s start with the obvious I barely ate anything in the morning which will lead to HUNGER later on to which it did. I ended up eating this pita bread with peanut butter in the car on the way home from school. EATING PEANUT BUTTER IN THE CAR LIKE A FAT COW, that was the OLD me! WTH??????????

Needless to say the pita bread got stuck and I couldn’t eat anymore.

Where is this destructive behavior coming from????

I’m stressed. I’ve been depressed. I’m depressed because I’m lonely and sad. I can’t find a guy to love me for me. To care about me. I lied and only you reading this blog knows this… I went online dating site. I said I wouldn’t do it anymore and hadn’t signed on one in over 7 mon but I went online just to see what’s out there. Well I went on there the other day messaged 3 or 4 guys just said hello and they read it and never replied. Am I really that ugly?

Turned me off even more, seriously am I that ugly and have a shitty ass personality? I’m so fed up, I don’t want to go through the problems and hassles that come with trying to date men. My biggest fear was that I always said “men don’t want me because I’m fat” and now my biggest fear is that it was never true and they just don’t want me period, now that I’ll be skinny and the thought of that scares me shitless.

I don’t want to try to start dating again because I’m afraid of that rejection. I’ve been rejected all my life already. My ex husband gets married again has 2 kids and I’m still miserable and single. Not only am I miserable and single, I’m also a homeless Christian who’s trying to find her way back home.

I don’t want to be somebody’s good, I want to be somebody’s great. All I’ve ever been is their good as they sat around waiting for great. I just wish someone would tell me what the heck am I doing wrong?

Men tell me, aww you are so sweet, you are so nice, you always think of others, u are amazing, u are pretty, u are a great girl but apparently I”m not great enough on any of these aspects to be taken seriously and date much less marry.

I’m glad that my girlfriends think I’m beautiful and fantastic but it’s not them who I want. I guess it just goes back to me loving myself….  I don’t want to talk about this anymore… Do I really love myself? I don’t really think so. Maybe I do, but today I can’t stand myself…………..

Sincerely,

Ogre