Life is not all about colored roses…..

Surgery is not going to fix all your problems and if you think that’s the case STOP NOW…….

I knew that from the beginning but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have hopes that all my problems would magically disappear. Especially when I felt that it stemmed from my looks of how overweight I was.

You know what (excuse the language) BRAIN FUCKED means??? Well that’s what I am now. Brain fucked..

Brain fucked- .. that general feeling of stupidity. the point at which your brain is processing so much information that you feel so tired so much so as if your brain is being fucked/raped by information. the point of which something is too hard to comprehend, To over-think or over-analyze something (which is usually quite simple).

All these are definitions from Urban dictionary… I feel all of the above.

I’ve lost 73 pds and I’m still not happy… I am getting much more attention now and yet I can’t find a meaningful relationship.

I’ve started drinking… I’m drinking during the week not just the weekend. Not everyday but at least 3 days out of the week I’m drinking a whole bottle of wine. Something I feared would happen to me after surgery.

I’ve slept with my ex again (yes the one in the previous post about breaking my heart but he is also the one who paid to fix my car) not once but twice and in my mind came to an agreement that we’d be FWB (at my discretion).

Met a guy at a club and made out with him without even knowing him!

Yes this sounds very hoeish and I don’t care if you think I am. I’ve never been this way …. that said… I’m putting my personal life out there for those of you who do read this to know that not all is awesome!

Yes, things are well in the WLS department… I’m thankful I’ve had no complications and I can pretty much eat lots of things.

But this post is not about that, it’s about being brain fucked. All has fallen on me, school,work, family problems,money issues,car problems, men problems and image issues.

Yes the image issues… I look in the mirror and see the SAME FAT GIRL… same 242 pd fat girl. It’s all in the mind, so if you are thinking about getting the surgery think twice about running to get right away. Take your time and see a therapist, talk to them and work through your problems because if you don’t, they are just going to get worse!

Do I regret the surgery? No! but I do know that I need to get out of this funk I’m in (and I’m working on it) and get back on track…. remember after surgery your hormones are going C-R-A-Z-Y (I HAVE PCOS) so one second I’m fine and the next I’m not.

Please know that if you’ve had the surgery and are going through this, you ARE NOT ALONE…. and if you haven’t had the surgery don’t be in such a hurry to get it and then think that you’ll worry about your addictions or problems later… no no no no.. don’t do it, do it NOW!

AGAIN, life is not all about colored roses, better said in spanish la vida no es color de rosas…..

Till next time kiddies!

:-*

Life is tricky…

SO here I thought things were looking on the up and up. I met a guy who I was starting to like and it felt more than just a passing by relationship. I only wanted a friendship and he opened my heart to more than that.

Fast forward to this past Friday. My car breaks down and I have to have it towed, the guy I was seeing says he will buy the parts for me and fix it for me on Saturday morning. Come Saturday he disappears and I don’t hear from  him… Sunday I don’t hear from him (except that he was fishing on saturday and that he would call me later) Well he didn’t…. Seriously… wth?????????????!!

Then my sister comes by my house (my 18 yr old sister) who works a part time job, no college, car and lives at home, tells me she’s pregnant (by accident) by her loser of a boyfriend who is 19 works part time at taco bell and smokes weed all day. She asks me to help her, now I need to help her break the news to my mom and most probably have her move in with me because when my mom hears of this she’s going to kick her out.

I don’t have the time or the funds to take this on but I will not leave her alone. I’m broke, I have a broken car and a broken heart. I’m just broke……… I really don’t know where I’m going from here.

I had a conversation with God yesterday.,.. I cried.. and I said.. God I’ve always believed in you and trusted in you that your promises will come true but I’m starting to believe they aren’t. I’m starting to lose all faith that there in fact is a better future in store for me with that man that God has planned for me.

I hate when people tell me to be patient…. I’ve been patient. I might only be 30 but I’ve been through hell and back. Married for 10 yrs and cheated on throughout the 10 years of marriage. Not to mention not being able to get pregnant at all. In addition to that how easy it was for him to move on with his life, have 2 kids and get married to the woman he cheated and left me for. Yet me as a good person here I am struggling to find a good man. Don’t get me wrong and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tell me “stop looking for men let them come to you, love yourself blah blah blah.” You don’t know my struggle, you don’t know what I do so don’t assume I’m looking. I’m not looking… I’ve made friends then this guy comes along (the one earlier in this story) and makes me tear down my damn wall and then he hurts me!!!!!

Yes Life is tricky… one moment you are on top of the world and the next moment you are the bottom of a pit trying to pull yourself out.. seriously… I can’t handle it all. I’m not that strong..

Ugh…

Now to my weight loss…. I’ve lost a total of 71 pds (HW 242, CW 171) ……

Complications? None

I’ve had some pain and gas from some certain foods I eat.. Like bread and Mango… they are on my NO NO list.

Loose skin? Arms.. ugh.. my stomach is coming along ok..

Exercising? Yes I’m doing a min of 6-12 miles 4 days a week and the other 3 a minimum of 3 miles.

Here are some photos.

Hasta Luego! video update coming soon…

Destructive Behavior….

Thought it wouldn’t happen to me but it has. I went on destructive behavior today. This is going to be a LONG ONE..

Let’s start from the beginning….

Today was my sister’s 15’s picture’s. I was the “mom” as I always am with my sisters. I took the day off from work, drove her to the hair salon, did her makeup took her to the studio and walked her every second of the day. I’ve done this with my other sister and my cousin before.

I keep forgetting I’m still only 5 weeks post op but still push myself to the max.

So back to today, we took her photos and then I rushed home to change to go to school. School started today so I was super stressed.Barely had anything with much consistency, or protein today.

The food for today was as such

B- 1 oz oatmeal

S-1 oz wendy’s chili

L-1 oz wendy’s chili

S-pollo tropical children’s menu dark meat chicken, black beans, tomatoes, onions with garlic cilantro and salsa

(do you see where this is going?)

D-I small piece (because it got stuck) of whole wheat pita bread with peanut butter….

NO PROTEIN SHAKE (YET)

Ok let’s start with the obvious I barely ate anything in the morning which will lead to HUNGER later on to which it did. I ended up eating this pita bread with peanut butter in the car on the way home from school. EATING PEANUT BUTTER IN THE CAR LIKE A FAT COW, that was the OLD me! WTH??????????

Needless to say the pita bread got stuck and I couldn’t eat anymore.

Where is this destructive behavior coming from????

I’m stressed. I’ve been depressed. I’m depressed because I’m lonely and sad. I can’t find a guy to love me for me. To care about me. I lied and only you reading this blog knows this… I went online dating site. I said I wouldn’t do it anymore and hadn’t signed on one in over 7 mon but I went online just to see what’s out there. Well I went on there the other day messaged 3 or 4 guys just said hello and they read it and never replied. Am I really that ugly?

Turned me off even more, seriously am I that ugly and have a shitty ass personality? I’m so fed up, I don’t want to go through the problems and hassles that come with trying to date men. My biggest fear was that I always said “men don’t want me because I’m fat” and now my biggest fear is that it was never true and they just don’t want me period, now that I’ll be skinny and the thought of that scares me shitless.

I don’t want to try to start dating again because I’m afraid of that rejection. I’ve been rejected all my life already. My ex husband gets married again has 2 kids and I’m still miserable and single. Not only am I miserable and single, I’m also a homeless Christian who’s trying to find her way back home.

I don’t want to be somebody’s good, I want to be somebody’s great. All I’ve ever been is their good as they sat around waiting for great. I just wish someone would tell me what the heck am I doing wrong?

Men tell me, aww you are so sweet, you are so nice, you always think of others, u are amazing, u are pretty, u are a great girl but apparently I”m not great enough on any of these aspects to be taken seriously and date much less marry.

I’m glad that my girlfriends think I’m beautiful and fantastic but it’s not them who I want. I guess it just goes back to me loving myself….  I don’t want to talk about this anymore… Do I really love myself? I don’t really think so. Maybe I do, but today I can’t stand myself…………..

Sincerely,

Ogre

Dear Skinny Self..

So somebody online gave me an idea to talk to myself, my skinny self.

So I did. Here’s a video to myself.

To sum it up I tell myself to remember why I chose this path, to remember why I did this and all I went through being overweight. No being able to cross my legs, not being able to tie my shoes, not having a neck. Not having a neck was getting to me, my shirts and jackets  getting  dirty with makeup it was embarrassing! Last but not last the main reason I did this was to help regulate my hormones so I could have CHILDREN! Right now I can’t have kids and this is my greatest desire.

I also told myself to not forget who I am. I don’t want to change who I am, I want to be the same sweet caring person I’ve always been. Here is the video…

Good Friday, what’s so good about it?

What is Good friday and what’s so good about it?

As a Christian Good Friday is one of the most important days in history. It was the day that Christ our savior gave up his life for us.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” John 3:16-17

To me it means that I am saved, that I no longer have to feel the condemnation about who I was and the mistakes that I have made and will make. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes ALL the time. I do things I don’t really mean and say things that are wrong. Thankfully I know Jesus and I know he is my savior and therefore I am forgiven. Now that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and do things I’m not supposed to do. It just means that I no longer will live a slave to my past and not continue to beat myself when I make the wrong decisions.

It means that I have something to look forward to and have faith in, other than this dreary world. I’m sorry but I don’t care what anyone says this is a miserable world. The only things that keep me happy and living is having the ability to help others and showing them who God is through my actions, loving others, spending time with my family and loving them. This is what he has called us to do. To go out into the world and spread his word and his love. Why don’t we do it? Why does everyone insist on just being as ugly and nasty as others are to them? Two wrongs don’t make a right! Jesus did it, he loved everyone even as they beat him, mocked him and nailed him to a cross! Why can’t we just turn the other cheek when someone cuts us off , or when someone is rude and mean at the Dr.’s office? People, everyone deals with their own demons! Just because they are rude and crude doesn’t mean they are not going through something themselves. They may not know Jesus and well, as a child of God, guess what? You better show them who he is through YOU.

It means that for once you no longer have to listen to the enemy whisper you are worthless in your ear. Why? because you are not worthless. You are a child of the most high God who did the ultimate sacrifice for YOU. You are beautiful, you were created in his image.

What does Good friday mean to you? If it doesn’t mean much then I ask you re-evaluate your relationship with God.

You want to know more about his sacrifice? It’s all in the bible. Matthew 27:27-50 

Lord I pray that all may know you like I do. Selah-

Broken Hearted

So this is not a surgery post instead it’s a broken hearted post. This no name man that I was dating for 9 mon finally got the hint and left me alone or so I thought.

I found out that he used me the entire time. He was in love with someone else and that’s why he wouldn’t commit to me. He threw me to the side as if I was a dirty towel, as if I never existed. The worst part about this is that he never told me any of this… but I figured it out. Especially when I asked him to clear up any misunderstandings or I would move on and he never did. Once that was done he started posting love notes on facebook to his love. A shot straight through the heart. The one man who I had opened my heart to after my divorce. Everything he said were lies, I was just a sit in.. see this “love” of his was married, she was the one HE had opened his heart to when HE divorced. Now she’s available and well he’s gone crazy over her and me? well I’m left to dry.

The person who never existed… sad to say is that he’s a Christian man so what does that tell me? Do I have any hope left? No not really. I just found out as well that my ex husband is getting married… he’s getting married to his baby mama the same baby mama he cheated and left me for. So yea… life sucks right about now.. funny all this is happening 24 days before surgery.

I need to focus on that and well all I can focus on is what an idiot I am and how I let men just walk all over me. For the first time in almost 3 yrs I had the urge to buy myself a box of cigarettes.. (mind you I quit smoking almost 3 yrs ago) Scary… very.. scary. I don’t want to go back to that.. my life has been so much better without it. I’ve been drinking at home lately as well… drinking at home is never a good sign either… last time I started this was in my late teens and it was not the way to live.

I sit here and cry and ask myself what am I doing wrong? Why am I such a failure at relationships… something I never wanted to be. Always tried to be the ideal wife, always tried to be the loving, caring friend. Maybe I’m just trying too damn hard.

I’m frustrated, I’m sad and I’m scared. I’m scared of what kind of men are out there… Now I just need to focus on me and getting healthier. This surgery will give me a fresh start at a happy healthier life because I’m tired of living in the past.

For the no name man this song is for you

Shot through the heart
And you’re to blame
Darlin’
You give love a bad name !!!!!

Just Breathe!

Just breathe….

That’s what i keep telling myself.

I gained a pound (when i should be trying to lose) my love life is completely in the dumps now and work is still overwhelming. The blood tests I had to do have done for the surgery came back didn’t come back all positive. I figured this because these hormones have my health/body in a tailspin. I almost fainted after the gym yesterday….. not sure what happened was really dizzy.

Ok so now the positive….. I’m back home (my church) God revealed to me where I needed to be and showed me exactly how much he loves me. Next week I have my second Nut visit and then I only have 2 left after that! I’ve managed to stand up for myself to this no name man I’ve been seeing and told him if he’s not going to commit I’m done.

Thinking of other ways to make money (since I’m short) not sure where to start. I am not into the get rich quick scam or invest until I’m broke and then figure out a way to sell the stuff you invested in.

I will say I’m excited to start a new life soon….. I’m trying to start now and my body is just not agreeing…. granted for the past 2 days I’ve been eating nothing but trucks of sugar (carbs, sweets) not sure why I’m craving it so much (i mean I do know my PCOS plays a role in craving it) but I need to STOP!

I need to make a short-term goal a goal I need to work towards to soon.

Ok that’s it…. time to go back to watching my lifetime movie lol… 🙂

Restlessness

I think I’m losing my mind……

My stomach is upset, my car has broken down, my love life is in a tailspin and I CAN’T SLEEP!

I’m anxious for the 4 mon to be up already…l spend all the time researching information on what and what not to do. Work is overwhelming, I find myself looking forward to time off rather than getting the work done. I’m a mess… today I told my friend “if this is my best life, I don’t want to see my worst!”

I’m getting impatient, because I want to start on my new journey. I’m trying now to do it on my own. I’m eating slower, not drinking while eating, watching what I eat and going to the gym at least 3 days a week… and I think I’ve gained weight….. REALLY???????

Ugh…I just think it’s the stress of everything that’s going on. I’ve been “seeing” a guy for months now and well I don’t see that going anywhere… he has commitment issues. I stop to think would I have accepted this had I not had a weight issue?

These are all the thoughts just lingering in my head every second and I can’t really sleep. I sleep for an hour and wake up and sleep for 2 hrs and wake up… I’m feeling weighed down by all the stress in my life (when it rains it pours) I can’t help but think if I was in a loving relationship I’d at least have him to help me through it, sad to say I REALLY know how to pick ’em.

This post is all over the place…. makes no sense whatsoever but it’s what’s jumbled in my mind.

Lord, I need you to step in here! I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs that always gives me peace when I listen to it…..